Ste wondered if he were bad. Right now. This way with Josh. He couldn't help but cry about it a little. Everybody knew he was stupid now. And a bit of him liked it that way. But he wasn't an imbecile. Not really.
He hadn't wanted it to effect him at all that John Paul and Kieron were getting back together, after all this time. The old Ste would have been there to break up the party. Throw a few punches. Get in a drinking match. Do something disgusting, like eat a jar of pickled eggs and spew on everyone afterwards. Something like that. It made him smile. Yet, he didn't have it in him to do. Not really. Not when he felt so alone. So helpless. And here he was a burden still. Josh's burden, he supposed.
He snuggled his pillow thinking really it was the kissing that got to him. And then it went on from there. It was so new and different with Josh because he felt his age with him. Yet, he felt a kid, again too. But he supposed Josh might miss being with someone intelligent. Simon, he guessed must still be on his mind. Or was he hoping he'd get it on with the bloke who was his boss at the library? What a lovely pair they'd make. It brought tears to Ste's eyes. If Josh left him, where would he go?
"Are you all right?" Josh touched Ste's bare back.
"Does it matter to you?" Ste mumbled.
"Of course, it does. I just didn't know you'd be this emotional when John Paul came back." Josh sighed.
"Wish I knew if this was right or wrong." Josh squinted. "Maybe you should be rehabilitated somewhere where you feel-"
"I'm not Frankenstein." Ste pouted.
"Right," Josh said. "I know that. Its just, fuck there are certain things about you that I feel I'm like a big brother to you and then the next moment....this."
"Its not your fault." Ste knew his mind worked fine. There were just these things he didn't do well in. Writing. Reading. "I think on my own, you know. I'm just too stupid to be your boyfriend, is that what you're telling me?"
"I do care about you," Josh said as Ste turned back to him. "But is that enough?"
Ste wrapped himself around Josh then. He knew it was enough.